The end is nigh!

Okay,

It’s the end of the world. I’m not sure how exactly but it’s happened. Possibly in an obvious, ‘disease’ related way, a plague we hadn’t made provisions for or was too aggressive to combat. Maybe it’s something more elaborate, a ‘Triffids’ style astrological blinding of the whole human, thus rendering us at the mercy of those giant man eating plants.

Either way, you’re either the one person, or one of the very few who have been spared from the cull of humanity. A pretty heavy thing to think about really, something me and my friends talked through in a Weatherspoons. What exactly would you do in that situation, imagining you woke up one morning and found that over night humanity had ground to a halt?

Perhaps it might all be too much to handle. Thinking about the entire collective history of the human race may tip you over the edge. One of my friends reckoned that he’d top himself within the hour (although, secretly I think that’s just because he couldn’t live in a world where there’d be no one to listen to him). Every book or piece of history would be nothing; you’d be all that was left as an example of humanity. That’s a bit too much responsibility, I was sick on a bus once, it oozed down the aisle towards some kids. I felt dead low.

I reckon I’d do some right odd stuff if left to my own devices for too long. Even spending an afternoon by myself results in me developing new words for universal language, wearing odd clothes and drawing all over myself. And the masturbation, red raw my little fella is. I think in this setting I’d go royally off my rocker, I’d build a shrine to the forgotten age, old music players and Andy Warhol pictures everywhere. A bit like Camden Market I suppose. Listening to music on a crackly old gramophone, drinking tea from a china cup while the Gherkin falls into the earth. Oh, and I’d definitely be wearing a cravat.

I also decided I’d have a wander down to the MI5 building, have a read of some secrets. When it was pointed out to me that I’d most likely be unable to get into all the digitally encrypted files we decided to settle for going down to Buckingham palace and having a tug over the Queen’s pillow.

Here’s a list of what we’d get up to pending near obliteration of the human race:

Ride a little golf cart. Everywhere.
Go down to Oxford Street and set Topshop on fire.
Find Tommy Cooper's fez (What, ride a golf cart without a fez?)
Asphyxi-wank at No. 10, then remove that big gold sceptre from Parliament and put it in the cart.
Go to the arcades in high heels.