21/10/2008

Just one more thing...

Hey again,

Just a few issues to address. firstly, and its only a small thing but, to me, you can't really put an 'as seen on tv' label on cherry tomatos. Its not like the cherry tomato is a brand, it isn't a bottle of Flash or a type of butter. Which, is also being advertised in a dreadful way. Gary Rhodes asking peole if they prefer Flora or some other brand. Saying that something like 48% of people prefer Flora to 45% who like lurpack more. As my friend pointed out, 7% couldn't give a shit either way and even then these are not the sort of odds to base an advert around. It's a tight race, if it was a boxing match it'd be dreadful, down to points. You should only make a show of it if it's going to be a knock out.

Also, credit crunch wise, I remember when you could get a pack of Rolo's for 30p, now you'd struggle to get one for that side of 50. I use stuff like this a lot to talk to people in awkward situations.

Often saying things like, "Whispers eh? I've heard the recession is the boom for the often forgotten turnip farmer".

Regards,

Cx

18/10/2008

Textual

I thought I'd try to re-tell one of the jokes I'd received via text the other day. Don't worry, it's not one of those that has the punch line, "Yeah, then they all fucked off home". Here goes:

It's late in the evening, it's also November, so there's a cruel chill in the air, one that gets under your scarf and reminds you of your mortality. A Vicar shifts into the lobby of a B&B. Actually, scratch that, we'll say its small town America, he's a priest and he's heading into a dirty motel, covered in the sticky Deep South heat. He sidles over to the desk, which has a hick behind it, leafing through an old issue of Rolling Stone some former guest left. He looks down his long, pointy nose at him with the kind of beady eyes that a life of celibate piety brings. He leans over the desk & says, "Excuse me, can you make sure that the... (struggles to get the words out)...pornography channel in my room is disabled, thank you".

The hick, who represents common norms looks up from his desk & puts down his magazine. He tries to keep the disdain from his voice but to little success, "No Sir, just the regular kind here. You sick fuck".

14/10/2008

Ringo Star, Super Dick



"After the 20th everythings going in the bin"

What a dickhead, he could have just stayed quite, thrown them in the bin but he had to make a statement. Basically saying that all those people who he earnt money off over the years can go fuck themselves. He's sat in his giant Thomas shaped mansion, sipping on bitter tea, agreeing whole heartedly with Boris Johnson's Liverpool comments.
I also read that the hot weather has led to. Bannana spiders thriving in the UK, possibly laying eggs in my face. And the credit crunch, that's a bit bad isn't it? It's given me six months worth of awkward conversation material, "so...that credit crunch eh? I remember when rolo's were 30p, you don't know what a rolo is? Well then, yes, I will take a London Paper". Although, that doesn't give the man that sells me a jacket potato the right to tut & say "Alister Darling" when he adds 40p to this tariff
No right at all.

CX




13/10/2008

A couple of reviews & some social commentary


Hey,

I watched that new Peter Kay mocumentary thing last night, like an X Factor style paraody. I think the lesson I took away from that was that you can not parody that which is already a joke. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't love X Factor. I think I was fairly close to tears when Bad Lashes didn't get through. It was a travesty, even their weak link (the one in a reality TV girl/boyband, who's a bit ropey) was decent. I love X Factor, the best way to spend a SUnday is by sitting your pants, screaming "No, too fat, who's the market for this?"

I've also watched a couple of movies this week, Hitman, which was shite. Really badly, written by 15 year old marketing executives. Also, from playing the game I had developed an idea that Hitman was meant to be homosexual. Although, me & my housemate both thought that maybe he was meant ot be sexless, like a flower. Also watched The Mist, which was fucking awesome. With a truely haunting ending.

11/10/2008

"Yeah, I went to the Groove Armarda launch party, it was shit"


Hi,

I heard the above outside a pub at Oxford circus, whoever these two were, they also found out that they were both DJ's, like everyone in the free world is. I also heard a man say "I find it so churlish, to sum oneself up in a business card", in a uni sex toilet in the Troubadour, Earl's court.

Bradford seems a very long way away...
Check out my new header, I'm trying to draw a comic series at the minute, mostly likely it will be used as evidence in the trial of the people Vs Chris, and his dirty Hentai.

Check this picture out, it's a coming of age tale.

C X


06/10/2008

...Isn't it?

Hey you,

Here's a picture I originally sketched at work.

...I think it says a lot about the current political climate. I'm not going to explain it, because it's obvious. Possibly, it also says somethings about job satisfaction and that I shouldn't have watched all those horror films at such an early age.

Catch you on the hippsey.

C

05/10/2008

Your mothers so fat...(see below)



Hello,

To start with, I thought I'd fill you in on the details of my discovery. I use discovery because later on I reckon I'm going to try & compare myself to Alexander Flemming, it might work out but probably won't.

I think I've come up with my very own 'Your mother' joke, or 'yo momma' if you want to try put an American twang in it. Personally I wouldn't do that, I think I'd sound a bit ridiculous. And possibly a dash racist. The best way forward is probably to fully say, 'your mother is so rotund'. Although, you wouldn't want to overplay the whiteness angle. You'd come across as that Butler off Richie Rich, a bit of a dick wearing a do-rag (also spelled doo-rag, du-rag - wiki) talking about cappin' peeps. Or Kip off Napoleon Dynamite.

Either way, it just came out of no where. Which seems to be the case with some of the greatest moments in history. Look at Flemming (gosh, this is postmodern, I'll probably write about writing a blog soon - like Kaufman), he was a scientist sort of fella, had a bit of a rough time at work, he's got drunk at a conference and had begged this heavy set science lady for a kiss and she hadn't. It was dead awkward and a little bit embarrassing. In his red hot shame he didn't do the washing up, and history was made. A similar situation with me, all you can eat Chinese, discussing old school friends who'd gotten huge and had been seen eating out of a walkers packet full of tears, then it happened.

At first I thought I may be inducted into some sort of hall of fame or be quoted in books. Then I wondered about the origins of the concept and thought of going on a tour meeting others like me and sharing stories. It'd be across the pacific, hear tales about the first time someone said "your mother is so fat, when she lays around the house, she lays around the house".

Then I realised I had a job & wasn't Dave Gorman.

So...

Your mother is so fat...when she's using the lift, I'm on the stairs.

Y'know, because of the weight allowance, which she breaks because she weighs so much. The allowance is like, 8 people. She's as big as 8 normal people.

...shit. It's not very good.